When the Teacher Calls: What Gilbert Parents Should Know About School Struggles and Child Therapy

With Danielle Desmet, LAC

The email comes in, or the teacher asks for a few extra minutes at conferences. Something is going on with your child at school, and now you're sitting with a mix of feelings: surprised, frustrated, embarrassed, maybe a little helpless.

Sometimes the teacher is describing something you already see at home. Sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere. Either way, you're left wondering what to do next.

We asked Danielle Desmet, LAC, a child and teen therapist at Thrive Counseling Services in Gilbert, to walk parents through it. Before she became a therapist, Danielle was a classroom teacher, so she has sat on both sides of that conversation.

Why is my child's teacher reaching out?

Short answer: because they want your child to do well. Teachers see your child for hours every day, in a setting that looks very different from home. They notice patterns over time.

"Teachers see a lot of the child on a day-to-day basis," Danielle says. "We can see if they're more tired than usual. We can see if things are starting to look different. Parents see them at home. We see them at school, where things might look a little different."

Whether the concern comes from the teacher, the principal, the school psychologist, or the special education team, Danielle wants parents to hear this: "It's ultimately in the best interest of the child, and just wanting to help them and support them with whatever it is they may be needing."

What are some reasons a child struggles at school that aren't a learning issue?

A drop in grades or a change in behavior doesn't automatically mean a learning disability. Danielle sees many other reasons kids struggle in the classroom:

• Anxiety. Test anxiety, performance anxiety, perfectionism, or fear of getting in trouble.
• Separation anxiety. Trouble with drop-off or being away from a parent, something Danielle works with often.
• Friendships and peers. Bullying, conflict with friends, or feeling left out.
• Focus and overstimulation. A busy, loud classroom can be a lot for some kids.
• Avoiding a hard subject. "Kids might say, 'It's boring, I don't like that subject,'" Danielle explains. "It might just be because that's an easier feeling to feel than failure. That feeling of, I'm not getting this, this is hard for me. That's an uncomfortable human emotion, and kids are going to try to avoid that, just as adults are."

When the struggle shows up as behavior

Kids don't always have the words to say what's wrong. Sometimes they don't even realize they're struggling. So it comes out another way, often as behavior.

"As a teacher, I was a very big believer that no child is doing anything for attention seeking, but rather attachment seeking," Danielle says. "Children want to feel seen. They want to feel heard. They have needs just as adults do, but they may just have a harder time expressing those needs."

That shift can change how a parent responds. The behavior is information about what your child needs.

What happens in the first appointment?

Danielle's first appointment is with parents only. Your child doesn't come to the intake.

"I strongly believe the intake should be parents only," she says. "I don't want the child sitting there hearing their parents and essentially a stranger talking about them. I don't want to reinforce any sort of narrative that doesn't need to be reinforced."

That first meeting is also a place for you. It's where you can share what the school said, what you're seeing at home, and how you're feeling about all of it. "I really love having these conversations with parents," Danielle says. "Letting them know, I understand. I'm in your corner. There are ways to support your child through this."

For more on what that visit looks like from your child's perspective, see What a First Therapy Session With Your Child Actually Looks Like.

What do the first few months of child therapy look like?

Every child's path looks different, depending on their needs and goals. In Danielle's office, the early months usually follow a similar rhythm:

1. Building trust first. "Rapport, rapport, rapport," she says. "I want them to feel comfortable. I want them to know I'm on their team, and that this is a safe place to be who they are."
2. Learning coping skills early. Kids start picking up practical tools and strategies that fit their goals.
3. Setting goals together. Parents come back in for treatment planning, and depending on age, kids get a say too. "What do you want to get out of this? What would you like to focus on when you come to session with me?"
4. Staying connected with parents. Danielle keeps parents informed without talking about the child in front of them, so your child still has a private space to share.

A big part of this work is helping kids learn that hard feelings are okay. "It's okay to have those uncomfortable emotions," Danielle says. "But now here are some tools to help us work through that."

Should I tell the school my child is in therapy?

It's your decision, and your child should have a say too.

Danielle looks at it case by case with each family. In general, she says, sharing usually won't hurt, and it can help your child see that the adults around them are on the same side. "The parents are rooting for them. The school is rooting for them. Their therapist is rooting for them, and that team is working together to help them thrive."

If the school is the one that raised the concern, letting them know you've started therapy can make that teamwork easier. But she's clear on one point: "The kids should also have a say as to whether or not they want their teacher or principal to know."

You don't have to figure this out alone

A call from your child's teacher can feel like bad news. It can also be the first step toward understanding what your child needs.

Danielle Desmet, LAC, works with children and teens at Thrive Counseling Services in Gilbert. Sessions are available in person in Gilbert or by telehealth for families in Arizona.

Not sure where to start? Request a free 15 minute consultation and we'll help you find the right fit, or book directly with Danielle. You can also call us at 602-833-2829.

Frequently asked questions

Does a teacher's concern mean my child has a learning disability?

Not necessarily. Anxiety, friendship problems, separation anxiety, trouble focusing in a busy room, or avoiding a hard subject can all look like school struggles.

Does my child come to the first therapy appointment?

With Danielle, no. The first appointment is parents only, so your child doesn't have to hear adults talk about the problem.

Should I tell my child's school they're in therapy?

It's up to you and your child. Sharing often helps everyone work as a team, but your child should have a say.